Blog MsRad

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seeing my father and my grandparents for the first time in a year.

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it's a weird feeling.

my grandmother just had heart valve replacement surgery, and luckily she is doing just fine, but i had to ask if my dad's girlfriend was going to be at my grandparent's house. it was a hard question to text (we hardly speak on the phone anymore).

it's an awkward place to be. as a grown single child, i have been the sole witness to my parents, and i am now the point between two, very separated families. i feel torn in my own way, conflicted by my own personal thoughts and opinions, and the bonds and experiences shared throughout my lifetime with those who i am quite literally connected to, even at the times where i don't feel that connection as strongly.

i have many friends who have parents who are divorced. some are "only" children, like me. but i'm the only one i know of who has been an adult and has had to experience this. in some ways, it's a blessing. i'm old enough to not feel the blame and pressure that i might have felt as a young child, and i know better than to blame the situation on myself. but at the same time, it's hard to witness the two people who are my closest relatives and the largest form of support in my life (sometimes for better, and sometimes for worst), be torn apart. there is a loss. and there are many feelings that i have been forced to face over the last year that have not been easy to digest.

when contemplating this today, &Serenading by Mineral came to mind (how emo of me, i know), and more specifically, the first verse in particular:

will you come?

and what will i say?

"oh, i have been so distant,

and unhappy."

like i,

could disappear.

there's no escaping this reality, and i can't disappear, even if i wanted to. but, it is still a weird feeling, one that i'm still trying to figure out how to soothe. time is the best bandage that i have right now, but it's also the slowest one.

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That must be unsettling and I can imagine how difficult it must be.


Hope your grandmother has a quick recovery


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I too wish your grand mother recovers quickly.

My parents divorced when I was 15, never thought much about it. I knew that it would happen at some point. Sometimes things don't work out but parents keep up the show. It's been 8 years since I've seen my father, and 3 years for my mother. But it's like you said, your looking at it though the eyes of an adult. Spending years with the same person is hard if things start to get rocky, cause it will snowball.

Just know that even if your parents ain't together, they are still your parents who you can talk with, spend time with, enjoy with just as if it was before(if you wish).

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Hang in there Robin. I'd like to think we have more perspective as so-called adults but who knows how I would've turned out if my parents hadn't split right after I got born. Never had the chance to examine it with the perspective of time, it was just always something that was, so hopefully the distance and maturity of adulthood will help you wrap your head around everything.

Best to your grandma.

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