Natveggie45

Relapse after 3 weeks clean..,,,:(

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We are bummed out! Our daughter relapsed after 3weeks off coke. She said that it is a once a time thing, but i cried all night while hubby kept his head in his hands. We had agreed to keep her at home while she was cleaning herself up, took her back and forth from work, made her favorite meals so she would eat and gain some weight. She has one fight with her boyfriend, goes running out of our house and disappears for the night. Comes back high in the morning. Her answer ? It was there, it was free and she was angry.... What to do??? Throw her out?She is 21.... We have a 15 and 17 at home as well ; none of us touch the stuff. But she is still my baby girl. Any advice accepted. End of my rope.

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I had a pretty bad drug problem when I was a teenager (coke, meth, and adderall were the big things, but really pretty much anything that would fuck me up in any way would do)...at one point, when I was 17 and just out of high school, I moved to Miami on a whim with a couple of dudes I had only known for two weeks, because one of them had "a guy" down there. I ended up living there for 6 months, and realized the I was just genuinely dissatisfied with the way things were going, and called my dad to ask for a bus ticket home. Having been in your daughters shoes not too many years ago, the best advice I can give is just to be there for her and help her when she makes the decision for herself, and do your best not to hold her past against her. Try to trust her if she says she's clean, within limits...don't go giving her a lot of cash or anything, but accusing her of doing drugs every time she leaves or comes home will only make her resentful and more likely to relapse. And as hard as it is, understand that there's nothing you can do to make her clean up...that decision HAS to be hers if it's gonna stick. You can do it for someone else for a while, but as soon as that person gives you an excuse (which as an addict is CRAZY easy to find), it'll be right back to it. I don't know if that's any help at all, but just know that a few years back my folks had all but lost hope for me, and now I have a steady job, wonderful girlfriend, daughter on the way, and I rarely even drink at this point. So don't lose hope. As for throwing her out...I'd give her one more chance, but make it clear that it's just that: ONE...it may really have been a one-time slip-up...I certainly had a few of those.

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cocaine addiction is rough. i spent 2 solid years using on a daily basis along with other drugs, but the cocaine was always in me. rehab for me was a must and AA meetings daily since. a complete life change was the only way and it has still been very hard. give her a few ultimatums and offer your help (rehab/AA/NA). but allowing her to stay in your house is only hurting her. its enabling her. she will not quit until SHE is ready. no matter what you do.

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Here's where I get to be the bad guy.

If you've got other teenage kids in the house, kick her out.

A coke addict isn't any better, and in some ways worse, than a junkie. They will quit when they bottom out and they want to quit. Before that, it's all a fucking game. They may swear they are being clean, this time fir sure, all that, but if they aren't ready to kick yet, they won't.

It's nice to be supportive, and to talk about "being there" for someone, but in the end, all you're doing is delaying the inevitable. Kick the props out, let her slide as far as she's going to slide, and then if she really wants, help her to pick up the pieces. If she's chipping because "it was free and it was there", then there ain't no hope, ever, cause I hate to tell you this, but for any halfway decent-looking Lady, it's ALWAYS free and ALWAYS there. Least it's free as far as money goes, the real price is your soul.

Don't give up, but don't help her run her shuck. If you want to go all-out, find her a furnished room and pay the rent for a month, then hand her a copy of the want ads. She can make her own choices from there.

Eight years of heroin. Five years of cocaine. Ten years of alcohol.

I've got a fucking Ph.D. in kicking and relapsing.

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After reading jinxproof1996 and Dan S's responses, I might have to change my tune a bit. I don't know if I ever would have reached my bottom if I had been living with my parents (my dad decided to kick me out the same day I told him I was moving out), and without that, I don't know if I ever would have made the decision to get clean. =/

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But how can i put my baby on the street? I just cant, enabling her or not. I am not ready. Maybe in a few weeks, or if she falls again. But it is tearing me apart. Hubby cant do it either. We are both teachers, both 45, and we see this scenario everyday. My husband's aunt just found her son hanging from a beam in tha garage last week. I will never give up on her. I still tell her every night that i love her and that we are there. I know we are crazy, but we still hope. Thanks to everyone who are sharing; hard topic. And hubby and i read all the posts and discuss.

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She graduated college and is still working full time. I guess thats good. And you are all right and i know it; she is using us, we know. And i dont believe in miracles; i know it is a shitty thing to do to throw her out. She plays the " its your fault" card quite well, trust me. Our fault when she got paid for photos ( yeap, those kinds) because we were not giving her enough money. My fault for not being there enough when she and her friends trashed the house while we were away. And yes, my fault for the drugs because i am stressing her out. Fuck i am tired. Sorry for sounding like such a wimp; sometimes the tattoos and bike hide many sleepless nights...

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My fiance is currently going through sobriety after years of using. He relapsed recently and I was extremely hurt, angry, disappointed, etc. However, one thing I've learned is to NEVER abandon them. Kicking an addiction is one of the most difficult things any one could ever imagine doing. I've seen him at his worst and his best and I know what control it can have over an individual. Your daughter eventually has to decide to make the change herself. She is the only one that can choose to stop it from ruling her life and finding a better one. As a parent the best thing you can do is support her and offer her avenues of help (not force her to check in to rehab). Also consider seeing therapists that specialize in addiction and substance abuse, we've been doing that route and its been much more productive than group therapies, 12-step programs, or rehab. Tell her there are better options than this life and that you will always be there for her and support her in whatever she ends up doing.

Best of luck. Stay strong.

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Find an Al-Anon meeting-definitely worth checking out. I'd also make her staying in your house conditional on her attending a twelve step program. Your house, your limits and boundaries. What your daughter is going through sucks, but you have to do what's healthy and sane for yourself and the rest of the people in the house. If she can't do that, tell her she's going to have to figure something else out. As someone with experience in the area, sometimes the only way to find your bottom is when it's sitting on a curb next to all your worldly possessions.

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But how can i put my baby on the street? I just cant, enabling her or not. I am not ready. Maybe in a few weeks, or if she falls again. But it is tearing me apart. Hubby cant do it either. We are both teachers, both 45, and we see this scenario everyday. My husband's aunt just found her son hanging from a beam in tha garage last week. I will never give up on her. I still tell her every night that i love her and that we are there. I know we are crazy, but we still hope. Thanks to everyone who are sharing; hard topic. And hubby and i read all the posts and discuss.

You don't have to give up on her...I've got six kids, and believe me, I've had my moments with them, but NEVER give up on a child.

That said, you still need to kick her in the ass. She doesn't need to be on the street. You can do as I suggested and rent her a furnished room for a month. just make sure she damn well understands that that's all she wrote. In a month of being clean, she can get some kind of pinche little job, enough to pay the bills and keep her too tired to party, or she can go all the way down.

If you let her trip you with all that "hanging from the beam" crap, then it's on you, completely. I buried my little brother when he was 20, and I've buried more friends along the way than I can count. The girl is 21, she's raised, and she's gon do what she's gon do, period. Now it's time to step back an see what she makes of it.

YOU aren't to blame, and YOU aren't responsible for her anymore.

Think you see that scenario everyday because you're teachers? HA! Live in "the Life" for a year and come back and tell me about it.

I'm sorry, I know I sound harsh, but harsh is the only way to be with a junkie....trust me on this. I've got a letter my Pops wrote to his sister when I was 25, sez he's "just wainting for the call from the hospital or the morgue". Faked him out, and anyone that WANTS to quit will.

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I was watching that show intervention,and the drug therapist said that relapse is part of recovery.I would have to agree with that for at least 50% of addicts.I used to smoke PCP everyday for years,and rob money from my brother and mother until my mom had enough and said either go to rehab,or get out of the house.I was 23yrs old at this time.I wen't to rehab,and after two days there,i called a taxi,and left the place.when i got home she said either go back to rehab,or get out of the house.well i ended up going back to rehab for 23 days,and when i got out,i was straight for 5yrs without meetings or anything,but i was so depressed,i ended up having a few beers one day.After i relapsed,i started going to meetings,and have been sober for 17yrs.

Recovery is a one day at a time thing,that lasts a lifetime.The real problem is the person,not the drugs.We just try to escape ourselves through the use of drugs,because we don't like the way we feel.I would also suggest going to some Al-Anon meetings to better understand your daughter's addiction.

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Just personal experience here. Clean and sober 5 years earlier this month and 30 years old now. The best thing my mom ever did for me was kick me out. Oddly enough she's a school teacher too. She's been a guidance counselor at an elementary school for almost 20 years now. I spent a day in a homeless shelter and was able to get in to a rehab program the salvation army runs for homeless people. It was a bit religious for my taste, but it was free, and it really helped. If you do some digging there are actually quite a few rehab(ish) places that are basically free of charge. I wouldn't call what happened to me an ultimatum or an intervention. She came home to find me passed out drunk on the couch and when I left she called the police. She came to visit me in jail after that and told me she could get me into this rehab place if I wanted, or I was on my own. She's my biggest supporter today, and we've got a great relationship. I know it's hard, and it's a shit decision to have to make, but I don't know anyone who got clean living with mommy and daddy. It's probably happened a few times, I just don't know of any. Just know there's a world of love out there, and there is help. Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

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Sorry to have to say this but I've never seen enabling work. I've got 3 addicts on my wife's side of the family and the enabling is enormous. It has only made things worse. On top of that, they insist on the issues being huge secrets which prevent the rest of the family from discussing the situations and joining up to do something helpful (such as interventions). We're finally getting to the point where one of them might be addressed after 15 years. The kid is now in his 30's, still living at home with no path in life at all and has virtually destroyed the entire family by his presence there. The mother (my sis in law) is a shell of her former self, just from dealing with what goes on in the house. I wouldn't be surprised if the addict outlives her.

On my side, we had two. Both were put out, with the understanding that the support (both emotionally and financially) would always be available if they sought help. Both are clean going on 10 and 12 years now.

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So sorry for what you are going through. I think you've gotten good advice re: tough love. If she can't live with you guys (because she is an adult now who needs to take responsibility for her own life) she will have to learn to be independent. At the same time though, if she is truly addicted to cocaine rather than just using it recreationally, she probably needs to live at a rehab or halfway house until she is detoxed and has some tools to put into place for triggers like being angry. Or maybe there's an outpatient program she could take advantage of? Once she gets out would be a good time to do what Dan S. Suggested by agreeing to pay in full for down payment and one month of rent with her knowing that the next month is on her.

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Find an Al-Anon meeting-definitely worth checking out. I'd also make her staying in your house conditional on her attending a twelve step program. Your house, your limits and boundaries. What your daughter is going through sucks, but you have to do what's healthy and sane for yourself and the rest of the people in the house. If she can't do that, tell her she's going to have to figure something else out. As someone with experience in the area, sometimes the only way to find your bottom is when it's sitting on a curb next to all your worldly possessions.

Al Anon or something similar for drugs is a good move. Everyone there is a wealth of experience and nothing you can lay on them will be a surprise. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, to save yourself before you can help anyone else.

I had past experience with all sorts of drugs, but always managed to pull myself back together before it got too far.

CG

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She graduated college and is still working full time. I guess thats good. And you are all right and i know it; she is using us, we know. And i dont believe in miracles; i know it is a shitty thing to do to throw her out. She plays the " its your fault" card quite well, trust me. Our fault when she got paid for photos ( yeap, those kinds) because we were not giving her enough money. My fault for not being there enough when she and her friends trashed the house while we were away. And yes, my fault for the drugs because i am stressing her out. Fuck i am tired. Sorry for sounding like such a wimp; sometimes the tattoos and bike hide many sleepless nights...

tough love. she is entitled and bound by your love. let her fall and when she crashes and truly burns, be there to love her and bring her back up, but now clean. my grandma has doen the same thing as you, and now she is stuck with a son who is 52 and she is 71 and he still lives with her, wrecks her shit, treats her like shit, takes her money and her love and has made her life a living hell since he moved back in with her 7 years ago. and her love hasnt helped him get better. be strong

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But how can i put my baby on the street? I just cant, enabling her or not. I am not ready. Maybe in a few weeks, or if she falls again. But it is tearing me apart. Hubby cant do it either. We are both teachers, both 45, and we see this scenario everyday. My husband's aunt just found her son hanging from a beam in tha garage last week. I will never give up on her. I still tell her every night that i love her and that we are there. I know we are crazy, but we still hope. Thanks to everyone who are sharing; hard topic. And hubby and i read all the posts and discuss.

Does your daughter have a history of mental illness or just the drug addiction? If she does have some form mental illness then she will most likely need to be treated for that before anything can happen with her drug addiction. Is it just cocaine or is it other drugs as well? Does she use needles? If so is she getting tested for HIV and Hepatitis on a regular basis?

I think that there has been some great advice given by people with a lot of hands on experience, but without a more complete picture of your daughter's life it makes it hard to know what is the right approach.

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1) no mental illness ( i am no doctor though)

2) sniffing it and smoking it only ( i think it is enough...)

3)had a long talk last night with boyfriend. Really nice guy, clean the last 5 years. She agreed to go in sept. , and they are moving in together. He goes to meeting, and she is going to start going with him. As i am writing this it is 6;45am and i've been up for a while. Both can deal with the fact we asked her to move out. The cruncher for her to accept the meeting last night? Her 15 year old sister was crying non stop...,

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@Natveggie45

If you want PM me where you are at and we can talk as I may have some leads for your daughter in your area. Most my colleagues and I work from a Motivational Interviewing and Harm Reduction framework which not only has great research to support change but also change we've seen facilitated by individuals more often than not.

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Does your daughter have a history of mental illness or just the drug addiction? If she does have some form mental illness then she will most likely need to be treated for that before anything can happen with her drug addiction. Is it just cocaine or is it other drugs as well? Does she use needles? If so is she getting tested for HIV and Hepatitis on a regular basis?

I think that there has been some great advice given by people with a lot of hands on experience, but without a more complete picture of your daughter's life it makes it hard to know what is the right approach.

Avery, I appreciate how you're looking at the whole picture and aren't just mirroring your personal experience onto her situation (not to say that a lot of people's personal experiences on here are not potentially relevant and helpful..)

Anyways, good luck no matter which path you and your family end up taking @Natveggie45 .

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UPDATE: well, i am losing my daughter today.

She is getting her stuff out of the house. I took a lot of the advices given, went into therapy myself with hubby, offered her several options , all expensive since private centers and specialized. She told us to f@@ck off and stay out of it. She since then lost her job; while both teaching full time, we have spent nights out with the OPP , friends, looking for her at dealer's houses when she disappeared for days. There is nothing like watching hubby telling a dealer with the cops that all he wants is his daughter. She is 21, so nothing can be done. I am salvaging whatever sanity is left with my family and she is going to live with a friend of hers. But as soon as she is gone we are taking the bikes and go riding like bats out of hell to get the anger out.... Thats my true therapy. Please have thoughts for her. Or her.

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Sorry to read that, I was wondering how you were doing. Well, you may not be losing her... this may be the best way to get her back, but change takes time. I hope she will be able to turn her life around. In the meantime, getting on your bikes and riding sounds like a good therapy.

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