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i hate my job.

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MsRad

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taking on Scott's advice, i thought i'd post a blog on a site that none of my co-workers will come across, and that is something i need to get off my chest:

i hate my job.

there, i said it. i hate my job. i don't hate my co-workers, i don't hate working in a museum, i don't even hate our museum, despite it's ever growing list of disfunctions. i just hate my job. i absolutely hate it.

i hate that i am constantly stressed out while i am at work. i hate that i have to deal with others who do not treat me like a person, but like a machine (outside from our museum). i hate that i am one person stuck with the tasks that could easily form 3 full time jobs. i hate that i have never been reviewed, never even heard the word "raise" in the 3 years i have been here, that i work full time but receive part time benefits, and that i do not have the opportunity to move up to a different position, even when i have been more than qualified (and have applied) to do so. i hate that i wake up in the morning with a churning feeling in my gut, wondering who is going to be upset with me today since i couldn't make their deadline because of the work load i have, and feeling just as stressed out as i do at the end of the day, and my day hasn't even begun. i hate this job.

so, i feel that it is time to look for a new job, potentially a career change even. i feel terrified going off the only beaten path that i have known for the last 4 years of my life (and at 25, that's a large chunk of my life). i have always been the person to have a plan, and i am finally at a junction where i simply do not have one. i don't know what the next move should be. for the first time in my life, i do not know which direction to take. i feel lost.

lately, all i can day dream about is making art (and no this is not leading into a paragraph of how i want to become a tattoo artist). i keep seeing photos, lino and woodblock cuts, photographic quilts, illustrations, paintings, and other various things in my head, but lacking the energy or the time to complete them. i'm also taking on a baking internship (one day a week, on my weekend), and have been offered a job as a paid baking apprentice, working with my roommate Davey.... once he opens up his bakery (which is sort of in the works but i have no idea how far off, and there's no way i could afford my bills on a job less than what i get paid now). i keep thinking, if could build a website or etsy store, and get my momentum going, then maybe i'd have enough to supplement my income, but by the end of the day, i'm so exhausted, none of this seems to come to fruition. and then i feel frustrated, at myself, at my job, at my life. this, obviously, doesn't help.

so i guess i'm writing this hoping that maybe i can get some advice, or at least a fire under my ass, to get me moving in the right direction. i by no means think i have it bad. i have a roof over my head, and food to eat, good friends and family, an amazing partner, and projects and organizations that i volunteer with (i'm trying to cut back, but these things actually make me feel productive). i just feel that i'm in a rut with work, and i need some help getting out. any ideas?

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I worked at Amazon.com for 9 years. I was paid handsomely, but I HATED myself. I woke up every morning literally dreading the day. I had an ulcer. I'd throw my resume out there and get bites, then I'd realize I was three months away from another round of stocks vesting, so I'd hold off. Time would pass and I'd throw my resume out there, get a few bites, and realize I had Saturday Sunday and Monday off and the potential jobs had me working all weekend.

In short, I was a professional at making excuses on why I shouldn't move on. I allowed Amazon (which I need to say for the record is truly an evil company to work for) to bash my self-esteem. I allowed it to creep in to my personal life, dragging that misery around like an albatross.

I would still be there if things hadn't happened suddenly on another front, allowing me to move on. I've lost 20lbs since I moved on. My ulcer is gone. I work weekends, and I work for less money. But I'm THRILLED with life these days.

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It wasn't necessarily my job, but I had started hating myself and the way that I was living my life. I bought a one-way ticket to Thailand with very little money, and no intention of ever coming back. One month into the trip I met a beautiful girl from Vancouver, BC. Two months later I was back in the States. Five years later I am married to that girl, and we have two great kids, and national health care. I always thought that I would end up living in another country, but I never thought it would be Canada. We still have very little money, but we are very happy.

I think that the best things in life find you, not the other way around. Sometimes the less pressure you put on yourself, and the less you try to figure things out, the more they figure themselves out.

And if nothing else is working just go and get some really pretentious quote from a novel or poem tattooed on your ribs. That seems to be working for everyone else. I hope that you have some nice changes soon, and keep us posted.

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thanks for the responses! so far, baking has found it's way to me, and not vice versa. what started as a hobby, has now turned into an act of activism (i have participated in charity bakesales for over a year now, and hosted my first one a few months ago in which i raised $1500 in 4 hours on a rainy sunday), and now i'm living with someone who is an amazing baker (all by chance, didn't know him before, though i knew his work), and have an internship (also by chance). maybe i just need more time to see where that goes, and maybe i need to hold out a little longer.

though if that is the case, i doubt i'll be losing weight like Shawn did ;)

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Haha. I make sausage with 40% fat content, eat foie gras as a snack and have a girlfriend who is an amazing baker but doesnt eat her cupcakes/brownies/etc- I've lost weight cause I bike to work, walk up/down four flights of stairs dozens of times a day, etc. Plus not hating myself helps.

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I totally understand where you are coming from. I've always been the man with the plan. I had a good job right out of high school, things were moving pretty good. I was making good money, bought a car, house, and was doing very well all by the age of 22. The only problem was that I hated my job. I worked at a hospital and I had an evil boss.(I know everybody thinks there boss is evil.) This lady really was. It finally got to the point that after I quit and the company investigated why I quit that they discovered that she was pure evil and fired her. Anyway, I started working in EMS. I love being an EMT. I love helping people and meeting people and everything about the job that I do. There is however a very dark side to my job. And now, I'm looking to get out. But I too don't exactly have a plan. As I am falling farther into debt because my job doesn't pay well, I begin wondering a lot about what I am going to do. I know how you are feeling. I know that things will work out for you and you will do great things. I have faith that I will work out my troubles as well. The best thing that I have done for motivation is when I'm sitting around doing nothing. I take a look around and say, "Fuck this, I didn't get this far to just let the world kick me in the butt." Then I get up and start studying, practicing, and just being productive.

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I know I'm new, but I saw this and had to post, because I went through the same. I still have my day job, due to bills, but I've started working towards a major career change. Change doesn't have to happen all at once. It can be slow if you keep it steady. I started by devoting 3 hours a week to art. Then it became 6. Then hanging around the shop a couple nights, then more often, then everyday. Art slowly became an every day thing as well. It helped that I started hoarding art supplies, so that when I was frustrated or bored with graphite I could play with watercolors, or markers, or jewelry making, anything to keep me "creative" and keep the ball rolling. I don't see my friends very often, but they're awesome in that they're understanding and supportive. I don't get much face time with the hubby, but he's wonderful and knows I need to make this change. Maybe you should start a baking blog, and plan to update it every week for a month, and then twice a week the next month, and then more and more often. Sometimes it helps to have something you feel obligated to or to get feedback on posts to keep you motivated. Posting on deviantart and getting feedback from other artist really kept me motivated in the beginning. I've noticed that once people start to move towards what they love, no matter how difficult it gets they somehow find a way to make it work, and they just keep getting happier. You'll do great.

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here's a slightly more radical approach that works for certain kinds of people..

sell everything you own. quit that job and live with bare minimum bills trying to stretch the money you have as long as possible. you won't have a choice but to pour yourself into baking in order to get yourself operating at a functional level before that money runs out.

some people thrive under this high-pressure sink or swim scenario.

whatever you choose to do- good luck!

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